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Jennifer Alice's Wonderland

Week 23:  Beaming with Gratitude

My mind has opened so much. My thinking had become a limited loop of undirected, unending questions and half-dreams. My goals were hoping of being wishes. Wishes have more potential than my former “goals”. 
One of the first really beautiful experiences that I had practicing yoga was in San Francisco. A super early morning class that gave me enough time to get home, shower, eat, and ride my bike to work. As I lifted into Upward Facing Dog, I heard a voice, it was my voice, but utterly at peace, and it said, “There is time enough for all of your dreams to come true.” And tears instantly sprang forth from my eyes. It was one of the most beautiful things I had ever heard. And I said it! From deep within. With the tone of cosmic consciousness. So I knew it was true. The sweetness overwhelmed my social graces without a fraction of a second of hesitation. And I was hooked. On yoga. On meditation. On transcendence. 
It gave me insight. But it also gave me permission. To say that I took Spirit up on that offer to experience everything I possibly could in this life is an understatement. Still, time is like a quiet bottle of wine. It can sit on a shelf collecting dust, but age sets in nevertheless. With maturity has come ever more desires. Even the desire of desirelessness. Before mkmma I definitely had started to wonder if some of the things I want in life were falling off the docket. 
I needed this course. I needed to get real. And specific. Detailed and clear. I feel the difference inside. Writing things down, visualizing, dedicating my time to the Law of Growth, sitting…. it all adds up to a sense of calm and assurance. The artistry of sculpting a life of my dreams mesmerizes me these days. 
Of course I’m finding that I want to rewrite my DMP. They said we would. How could we not? Of course we want to take the paintbrush and add a tad more this and a whole lot of that. My original dreams were more like the meager wishes of a beggar. I get it now. I haven’t even achieved all that much of what I’ve set out to, but enough signs have indicated it’s all going in that direction. So I’m fine-tuning the end result. Making sure more ducks fall into proper rows. And in some cases, removing the rows altogether to make sure the Will of the Nature is the decision maker. 
It’s a gorgeous life. I’m grateful beyond belief. 

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Week 22: Liberation 

I put something in my DMP that challenged me. I wrote a powerful sentence that intimidated me. I asked of myself something that I couldn’t really imagine. And I repeated it with enthusiasm. I didn’t think I really wanted it. At least not in its piece by piece detail. I wrote in a slice of liberation for myself. It seemed daunting and I wasn’t sure I would like the person it would make me become. I kind of can’t believe I’m admitting it online. Gulp. 
I wrote, “The mental and physical addictions of my past are replaced with a healthier rhythm, and mindfulness toward harmony.” 
Gosh would this make me boring? Too productive? Not as much fun? Holier than thou? Am I even wanting this? Am I capable of it? What does that even mean? Which addictions? Too many to mention! Who would I be without such addictions? Where would I get the energy? 
These questions nagged at me in the many weeks before I finalized my DMP. What was I saying about who I’ve been? I beat myself up about it a lot. And that was the motivating factor. How much time have I wasted contemplating giving up certain time-wasters!?! The vicious cycle is alarming! If it’s in harmony with the laws of nature and I’m avoiding it…. ummm… hello? 
I didn’t know where I would start or how it would unfold. I didn’t have to. That’s what they said. So I bought in. Let’s just see what this powerful subby of mine can do! The statements that followed helped a lot. To create a steady practice of meditation, yoga, hiking, swimming, and walking. To spend my free time playing music, singing, crafting, growing food, cleaning and decorating my home. 
And one by one they fell like dominoes. There were plenty of moments – oh so many moments – when the addictions beckoned. And those following statements sang out to me. Get into the garden they said. Go paint they said. Learn a new song they sang. Climb that mountain girl! Go see a friend for 30 minutes. Make her day! 
I must say I’m in awe. And gratitude. The clarity in my heart amazes me. The freedom in my mind. The energy that surrounds me, the quality of it, is so wholesome. The rewards FAR exceed what has been left behind. I’m productive AND I have more energy. I’m inspired AND it all feels doable. I’m busy AND I’m at peace. I’m hustling AND I’m in balance. I’m in love and I’m totally free. 

Week 21: The Week That Rocked My World 

She thinks big thoughts. Permission. She thinks big thoughts. I have permission. She thinks BIG thoughts. She crushes small thoughts. She has permission. Seek the Truth. Know the truth. Think Big Thoughts. To thine own Self be True. I have Permission. 
That’s a peek into my Sit. Haanel said to seek the Truth in our sit for this week. The truth is, I had so many small thoughts to crush. The permission, if not the directive, was to think BIG thoughts. Leave no room for small thinking. It went over and over and over in my mind. 
I started wondering if my DMP was BIG enough!? I started assessing at what age, or which trauma, or by whose message had I started to think myself down? I retired the mental laborers that keep that ball rolling. They were exhausted anyway. How intense we can be! Constantly convincing ourselves that the evidence suggests that our fears are correct and our insecurities are actually spot-on accurate assessments. 
I remembered my dear friend’s mother. Who against all odds, overcame her demons. She sat in meditation for months, and moved herself from of a deep state of psychological dysfunction, to a healthy, loving woman. Where there was once only derangement, blame, and fear, grew a wholesome strength born from the Truth. She faced what she had done. She sought forgiveness. And she changed. And she inspired everyone around her in the process. 
I am grateful. I can’t say it enough. When I read my DMP now, it’s a true story. It’s a woman I believe in. It’s a life I am living. And there is so much more beyond it. What would the person I intend to become do next? Sit and listen for the Truth. Trusting in the perfect unfolding of a life with purpose. Knowing my True Power. Mastering my moods and maximizing my minutes. And filling it all with love. 

Week 20: A Little Game Called Catch-Up 

Not gonna lie, it’s time to make up for a lot of blog posts! As someone that loves writing it is odd that this particular requirement has been the one to fall the farthest to the wayside. I’ve been morphing the course requirements into a shape and size that works for me. What can I say, the work is paying off, which has made me one busy gal. 

I’ve had an internal struggle going on with my work sphere. I’m the kind of person that has always had to have peace with the gal in the glass. I can’t live any other way. And somehow I found myself smack dab in the middle of a potentially massively lucrative career, completely unable to grasp what my next steps could be. How could I get the job done without sacrificing authenticity and principles I’ve held so dear? This condundrum plagued me for the better part of 2 years. 

Enter the DMP. Put it all down on paper. “I’m thrilled to earn success in ways that feel 100% authentic to ME! I’m duplicating efficiently and enjoying the process.”  I honestly don’t really think I fully comprehended the power these words held. I love these parts of the process. (Like the hot tub that I wrote in at the last minute as almost a joke or a challenge, that fell into my lap on Valentine’s Day.) I had no idea the method that my vision would employ. I truly felt unattached, I just kept programming subby. And now my calendar is FILLED with appointments. My days are bustling with business that I’m happy to provide. It feels amazingly good. And also occasionally utterly exhausting. I admit, the house isn’t as clean as I like it. And my sleep pattern is way off due to international business. But those are not complaints. Just the next level of manifestation to clarify. 

I always keep my promises. And I recognize the pattern in my life known as “Cramming” 😬 But I’m completing all these blogs, from the little notes that I jotted down along the way, and from the exquisite memory that I have been blessed with, because I said I would. And because the chronicle is important. The journey is sacred. Mine has been brilliant, and inspiring. It’s been challenging, difficult, confronting, a tad embarrassing, humbling, and stupefying as well. But positivity bias is winning! My memories mostly linger on the ePIFanies, the revelations, the breakthroughs. The way my heart has lifted, become more bouyant and light. The way my soul feels heard, honored, and expressed. 

The freedom that I’ve gained from this experience is far more than worthy of a gorgeous Sunday filled with journaling! Thank you for being a patient witness to my experience. Thank you for finding something you resonate with in my reality. Thank you for adding to the MKE! 

Week 19: Seizing the Dayski 

The Super Bowl champion of my mind remains to be seen! Sometimes there are upsets. One side seems to gain so much ground as to bury its competition. Then from behind, the power of the underdog runs strong. Victory comes and victory goes. Defeat sleeps at night as well. In my world the jerseys seem to shapeshift and the field is on coasters, spinning every time I try to get my bearings, take inventory and check the scoreboard. 
New Blueprint vs Personality 
Old blueprint is yesterday’s news. It got traded to the tropics and found a new coach. You wouldn’t even recognize it. It’s the New Blueprint all the way. But still…. she has a personality. She likes personality. Her personality is… well it’s kinda cool, she’s a little attached to it, and maybe there’s a way it’s actually so darned charming it will entice the New Blueprint team to take a chill pill once in a while. She’s making that play. She’s interpreting Scroll 5 in her own special way. Because if it was the last day of my life she’d have me staring at the mountain for quite some time. And calls would surely be made but sales would surely not. 
So! Can I just admit that living every day to its fullest sounds exhausting to me! And reading about it 3 times a day requires naps. But then the guilt around that is like, a major buzzkill! I can live every 3rd or 4th day as if it is my last, does this mean I’ll never be the greatest?? Because I’m not sensing a lot of leeway in the prose here. Yep, Scroll 5 kinda stresses me out. I mean, I’m working with it, but I’m also like wow is it only the 9th? I’m having a very Scroll 3 relationship with Scroll 5. Wrapping my arms around it for the full embrace is still a bit illusive. 
So my work is cut out for me. Really owning this concept is clearly something I would not have endeavored to do if this Scroll had not come into my life. Perhaps there are ways it will work for me, habits to develop, snappy slogans to incorporate, or mental attitudes to master. Thank goodness I’m not a quitter! Life without these kinds of experiments just wouldn’t be as FUN! 
Post Script: for example, I wrote this blog post on the 9th and it’s being posted on the 19th. Is my life that busy you may ask? No it is not. I mean it is but definitely no more than average busy. Not the tear-your-hair-out-busy required to explain such shenanigans. Touchdown for Personality. But I’m not worried. New Blueprint is a formidable underdog!! 

Week 18: The Great Knower

I wouldn’t say that I doubt my intuition as much as it simply took a long time to acknowledge it. For a couple decades I didn’t even know that everyone wasn’t functioning from that same place. And I absolutely cherish Part 17 for elucidating the intricacies of keeping our intuition juicy.
Not only can we not ignore it, we have to thank it. Actually exercise intentional thought toward it. Expressing gratitude for the answers, insights, and relief that it brings. I truly am grateful for my intuition now in a way that I was missing a few weeks ago. And most importantly, we cannot let our ambitions disguise themselves as intuition. The results are a total bummer waiting to happen. And when we allow our fears and insecurities to mascarade as intuition, life gets pretty gnarly pretty fast. 
I’m grateful for my level-headed mother, who even though she rarely acknowledges her own intuition, has turned out to be one of the most intuitive people I’ve known. She pivots quickly when the astral ties combine in her head to reveal what she has missed. She speaks sharply when others hedge their bets, empowered by a silent, psychic database she can feel and doesn’t question. You can lie to my mother if you want. But you better deliver an Oscar-worthy performance. I was never wrongfully punished. I have, however, been told I would make an excellent actress. Yep, sorry mom, sometimes I strengthened the wrong muscles!
I’m grateful to have inherited and/or been nurtured into this realm of heightened intuition. And I am enjoying the process of appreciating it as a trusted ally. I’ve needed it more than ever lately. Life has a hilarious way of tossing its greatest tests at you in the middle of your most tender moments. It has come to pass that I’m going through this mkmma experience at the exact same moment as my country’s political landscape fell backwards in a quantum freefall. I admit I slipped into fear more than a few times. World War is not in my DMP. But as the hysteria settles and the index card pile grows, I am slowly enticed back to the reality of creating myself as I will. And my intuition tells me, this dark time ends. And it ends for the better of everyone that it touches. Trust in humor, trust in equilibrium, follow peace and follow wholesomeness. Know thyself, and unto thine own self be true. Smell the roses. 
Some great minds have graced this earth. Folks that tapped in -way in- to the greatness beyond our physical perceptions. They have put technology in our hands, our hands into space, brought “outter space” into our living rooms. And all of this using the same mind that I have. We all have this ability. I’m truly diving in to see what this glorious universe might have in store for me to share. What gifts await? So exciting. 

Week 17: Permission GRANTED 

I went to a women’s group a few months back on an evening when the topic was around healing our past wounds through art and empowerment. I’m always down to play with paint and markers! Although I honestly prejudged that the experience would not be healing in any deep way. 

The assignment was simple. Think back to your childhood and recall six limiting beliefs that have shaped your life. She only gave us 5 minutes to do this which reminded me of mkmma. It wasn’t about looking into it deeply and reliving old wounds. It was about transmuting that limiting belief into truth. What was the truth of that belief? Then take that thought and make an affirmation out of it. We then painted a piece of watercolor paper and when it dried we wrote our affirmations on it. Voila! Affirmation cards designed for our very own unique issues! 

One of my limiting beliefs was surrounding that I always seemed to like things that my parents thought were weird, expensive, inconvenient, etc. Hence the constant redirection to try to get me to like things that they liked or simply things that worked with their needs. Understandable but ultimately limiting AF!! 

I was having quite a time figuring out how to translate that limiting belief into an affirmation but wound up developing the statement in the image above. “I like what I like.” I laughed and I even cried and I loved it immensely and still do! 

It took a whole lot of years to give myself permission to like what I like and I’ll tell ya what, I think a lot of people can resonate with that! As we went around the room looking over other people’s varied and creative affirmations, most of the women stopped at that one of mine and felt very empowered. I realized how much everyone seems to be living from this place. How many billions upon billions of beings are being brought into this life without permission to live from their authentic desires. 

Most people. It’s part of this waking up Haanel is talking about. What if? What if the world was populated with free thinkers, authentic souls living from a place of pure acceptance of who they are? I love imagining this. More and more throughout this course I’m unfolding my true nature. I’m thinking less, visualizing more. I’m worrying less, doing more. I’m judging less, giving more. 

After webinar 17 and the little talking to we got about the kind of people that are doing all the work and the kind of people that aren’t, I decided to take a different road. Instead of judging why I’ve fallen a little behind on a couple of the assignments I decided to give myself permission to only do the parts I wanted to do. And only when I wanted. I wanted to know where my true allegiance was and what was bringing me authentic joy. 

Basically the result was: I did exactly the same stuff I had been doing! Which wasn’t every last thing but was a lot. I found that I WANT to do them. Not because the teacher will give me a bad grade if I don’t. Not because my sister is way better at keeping up and she has two teenagers and a full-time job. Because I’m developing habits. Healthy habits. Habits that I like and that work with my DefMP. 

My mother programs computers and I program my subby. I’m amazed when things pop up that my subby is working out for me. Truly amazed. I want more. I’m drawn to this magic. This natural flow of energy. This gift from the Great Beyond. I’m thrilled to be learning a system, habits, and giving myself permission to rock them in whatever way feels natural to me. 

Week 16: Confessions of a Nice Girl 

Confessions of a Nice Girl 
The genius behind the Positivity Bias is definitely dawning on me. Makes perfect sense when you spell it out. But living it adds dimension. Living it changes us. And another layer of growth sneaks up on me. 
Last night a most unusual progress occurred. An old friend kinda freaked on me a lil bit via text and my reaction was nowhere near the spectrum of Kindness. I can rationalize that it was very late at night on a long and difficult day. And further that she really did jump to some rather nasty conclusions and labeled her rudeness “honesty”. But this surely won’t be the last time I deal with such things in my life and I crave a more harmonious response. In the end, my reaction was so highly charged with emotion. Emotion that I’ve come to learn she cannot process in these moments. She’s so thoroughly Red. And my Yellow felt so wounded that the whip had cracked before my better judgement kicked in! I know better, I aspire to be better, but the bitchy peptides won that battle. 
I quickly shut my phone off. Fearing that even tho some sense had come over me I wouldn’t be able to resist hurling more daggers. And then the strangest thing happened. A new me emerged, a me with a whole new blueprint. I forgave myself. The old me would’ve tormented myself all night for my behavior. I would’ve lost sleep and been up at 3am texting apologies. Instead I calmed down, and allowed my mind to linger on positive thoughts. I didn’t guide my mind toward positive thoughts. I wasn’t forcing anything at all! It was ~happening~ all on its own. Peace be with you. Peace be with you. Peace be with you just kept repeating in my mind. Tiredness took over and I fell asleep. I woke a couple of times to my partner tossing and turning and I noticed my brain was playing the song “You are My Sunshine” on repeat. It made me smile. 
Part of my DefMP is that I spend my free time learning the ukelele. This I have been wanting and thinking about for 5 years!! Maybe more. I wrote it into my DefMP, repeated it a solid couple hundred times and then, like magic, one day I just picked it up and started playing. It’s only been a week or so, and I should probably have started with an easier song, but somehow I’ve become obsessed with learning that one first. And there was my middle-of-the-night-brain figuring it all out, learning it without my conscious awareness, moving forward, crafting the life I’ve been visualizing. I smiled and went back to sleep. 
Some strange calmness has set in. My girlfriend and I have a true friendship and I don’t feel scared about it like I would have months ago. She will forgive me for my nonsense and I have already forgiven her. And I learned something. Albeit with a less than kind plot twist. I’m still celebrating this sense of calm, this knowing that my world is far more good than bad. 
When I woke up I shuffled off and stood in front of my Movie Poster, grabbed the Blueprint Builder and started the whole process over again for this magical gift of a day I’ve been given. I have work to do still obviously. But I’m doing it. I’m not clueless anymore as to how to create a better life for myself. I’m empowered. And I’m willing to be responsible for my thoughts, words, and actions. I have to work on it every day for the rest of my life, I get it now. You stop, you fall backwards, and you can also pick yourself up and start again. 

Week 15: Routing for the New Blueprint 

It seems at times that my progress and my regress are duking it out. I’m making some effort not to judge it all. Excuses or reasons? 

The facts of the case are that life became amazing during the holidays. So many dear friends popped up. Nearly mythical humans materialized before my very eyes. I couldn’t tear myself away. Nature exploded it’s long-hidden Father Sun on the scene right when I needed some serious R&R. A few family birthdays passed. The biggest party days of the year. And yes, it’s true, I found myself at the end of some days not even having one copy of the GS around! 

Then the message set in. Sacrifice. My old blueprint was taking over. Persistent, continuous action had fallen to the wayside. But how to pull it together? Oh this fumbley middle ground! Enough already, I want to be the woman on my movie board. 

In a way I’m still convinced that it was the work of this course that brought about much of that wild ride I just landed from. And I’ll have many more holidays and raucous good times ahead that I need to remain focused through. So it’s all going into the cosmic bank of experience. And I remain dedicated to my DefMP, and the work of creating my dream world. So all is well that ends well. 

Im learning how to blend it all. The old me, and the real me shining through. The way of Nature, and the way of society. The planned, and the unexpected. The necessary, and the fluff. The indulgent, and the addiction. The chores and the service. It’s all part of the Great Cosmic Swirl. If you want even a piece of Mastery in this Grand Dream, you have got to stay on top of your game! 

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