Confessions of a Nice Girl 
The genius behind the Positivity Bias is definitely dawning on me. Makes perfect sense when you spell it out. But living it adds dimension. Living it changes us. And another layer of growth sneaks up on me. 
Last night a most unusual progress occurred. An old friend kinda freaked on me a lil bit via text and my reaction was nowhere near the spectrum of Kindness. I can rationalize that it was very late at night on a long and difficult day. And further that she really did jump to some rather nasty conclusions and labeled her rudeness “honesty”. But this surely won’t be the last time I deal with such things in my life and I crave a more harmonious response. In the end, my reaction was so highly charged with emotion. Emotion that I’ve come to learn she cannot process in these moments. She’s so thoroughly Red. And my Yellow felt so wounded that the whip had cracked before my better judgement kicked in! I know better, I aspire to be better, but the bitchy peptides won that battle. 
I quickly shut my phone off. Fearing that even tho some sense had come over me I wouldn’t be able to resist hurling more daggers. And then the strangest thing happened. A new me emerged, a me with a whole new blueprint. I forgave myself. The old me would’ve tormented myself all night for my behavior. I would’ve lost sleep and been up at 3am texting apologies. Instead I calmed down, and allowed my mind to linger on positive thoughts. I didn’t guide my mind toward positive thoughts. I wasn’t forcing anything at all! It was ~happening~ all on its own. Peace be with you. Peace be with you. Peace be with you just kept repeating in my mind. Tiredness took over and I fell asleep. I woke a couple of times to my partner tossing and turning and I noticed my brain was playing the song “You are My Sunshine” on repeat. It made me smile. 
Part of my DefMP is that I spend my free time learning the ukelele. This I have been wanting and thinking about for 5 years!! Maybe more. I wrote it into my DefMP, repeated it a solid couple hundred times and then, like magic, one day I just picked it up and started playing. It’s only been a week or so, and I should probably have started with an easier song, but somehow I’ve become obsessed with learning that one first. And there was my middle-of-the-night-brain figuring it all out, learning it without my conscious awareness, moving forward, crafting the life I’ve been visualizing. I smiled and went back to sleep. 
Some strange calmness has set in. My girlfriend and I have a true friendship and I don’t feel scared about it like I would have months ago. She will forgive me for my nonsense and I have already forgiven her. And I learned something. Albeit with a less than kind plot twist. I’m still celebrating this sense of calm, this knowing that my world is far more good than bad. 
When I woke up I shuffled off and stood in front of my Movie Poster, grabbed the Blueprint Builder and started the whole process over again for this magical gift of a day I’ve been given. I have work to do still obviously. But I’m doing it. I’m not clueless anymore as to how to create a better life for myself. I’m empowered. And I’m willing to be responsible for my thoughts, words, and actions. I have to work on it every day for the rest of my life, I get it now. You stop, you fall backwards, and you can also pick yourself up and start again. 

Advertisements